POST by LIZ: Self-Indulgence

I´ve always thought of myself as someone who gives unconditionally to my family, who would lay down my life for my kids, but even I have been shocked by my selfishness and deceitful ways during these three and a half years that I´ve lived in a developing country, away from my comforts.

From the moment I became pregnant I became subordinate.  I gave up my body to store my precious babies, embracing the stretch marks; viewing them as an antonym of the word ´ugly´, because they represented the ´life´ occurring beneath them.

I became conscience of what I ate and drank – perhaps this was largely due to my first gynecologist, who broke the news of my first pregnancy by grabbing my size 10 waist and saying, in her ´I´m-a-doctor-listen-to-me´ tone of voice, “remember  - you still eat for one okay – only one, you hear!” and then came the sleepless nights – OH! Those sleepless nights need I say more?  

As my precious ones grew, I found myself changing my life for them.  Instead of saying yes to the wild party ways one experiences in college, I found myself attending five-year old birthday parties - which would definitely fit into the “wild” party category, and would take days for me to recover from due to sheer physical exhaustion!  I would give up my half-eaten-warm-butter-melted-lightly- covered-in-Vegemite toast for a blurry eyed child who just awoke to a new day.  

A family movie often resulted in huge sacrifices: giving up the luxury of spreading out on the lounge in order to make room for little elbows and toes, and losing the rights to snuggle under the blanket with my beloved watching a chick-flick (Jed´s choice of course!).  Instead I allowed my offspring to have enough blanket while they watch an age-appropriate movie such as Bambi.

Just at the part where Bambi softly says, “I´m awfully hungry mother.” I´d blindly reach into the popcorn bowl to find only kernels left. Then I´d look over to see my children´s cheeks stuffed like they belonged to a hamster and the mother´s day choccies devoured before my very eyes.    

Did this bother me? Not really – YES, they were sacrifices but after all, I had the local shops just a mere two minute walk away to restock my comforts.

But now the rubber has hit the road!  I am in a country where Vegemite, Cadbury´s and anything that can be classed as decent chocolate, does not exist.  Okay, so there is Hershey´s, but seriously, I cannot bring myself to the place where this substance, which tastes like someone has vomited in my mouth, could be classed as chocolate!  Needless to say, it´s sufficient for my kids and even my husband for that matter, but for me there is just one chocolate and that is CADBURY´S.  

I am constantly surprised at my reaction when some loving soul brings it upon themself to send a “care packet” my way which contains a block of Cadbury´s – “what type?” it doesn´t matter what type – any Cadbury´s is Cadbury´s! 

When I first received this sacred package I realised it had been 3 months since the last time I had tasted real chocolate!  I proudly presented the DHL pack to my family proclaiming that the Lord had placed us on the hearts of another and was blessing us for our efforts so far.  

We were so excited to receive anything from the outside world - we opened the paper vessel in awe like it was some treasure chest containing gold, and I shared out the block piece by piece, watching as my kids and husband swallowed  it down like baby birds devouring a worm offered by their mother.   

In less than 5 seconds, and only personally consuming 2 pieces of the 500gram packet, it was all over, though I tried to savor the taste for hours after by not eating or drinking anything which would contaminate my taste buds´ memory of the chocolate.

The next package arrived 4 months, 1 week, 3 days, 7 hours, 29 minutes and 44 seconds after the first.   This time I wised up and opened it when Jed left for the gym and after I had confirmed that the children had entered that unconscious level of sleep. (I checked their sleep levels by banging Sezni´s bass drum and observing for any reaction).

I carefully, and s l o w l y , unwrapped the purple foil. Not wishing to make a sound.  Sweat forming across my brow, fear surrounding me. Knowing full well that the slightest sound of the wrapper would awaken the four chocolate monsters from their slumber.   

Safe!  I allowed the chocolate to slide down into my digestive system like it was velvet.  The taste was divine.  It was like the world stopped spinning.  I should save some for the kids – for Jed.

JED… suddenly I could see the lights from his motorbike reflect on the window.. HIDE IT.. argh – sheer panic stuck my body – I knew Jed would gulp down this edible gold like it was just chocolate! 

I wrapped it up the best I could, given the time constraint, and threw it into my undies draw.   I had no time to take a breath before Jed bounded in, swooped me up and kissed me. 

Uh oh.. there had been no time to brush the evidence away! “CADBURY´S!!!” he excitedly said like a Labrador puppy wagging his tail. “where is it?” his eyes glistening…  and like a sniffer dog used to detect illegal drugs at the airport, he found the half wrapped substance within seconds.

“Noooooooo” I shrieked and my arms and legs moved in slow motion towards him,   but it was too late, I had already lost two pieces.  Suddenly, 1, 2, 3, 4 heads popped into view… the monsters had stirred, and were ready for action. 

“Mum!” – well, actually it was more like “Mom!” – “how could you?” they cried. I did feel ashamed of myself!  How could I? but I could and I did – or attempted to anyways! 

I´d like to say that the next time I received some Cadbury´s I was changed, but alas, I cannot lie. I could continue telling you of my shameful acts of keeping treasured comforts sent from afar for my sole purpose, but I fear you´d judge me too harshly.

I´m learning that I am selfish, and not just when it comes to chocolate. I´m seeing that when I had Cadbury´s available at my finger-tips, I took it for granted like many other comforts and luxuries I once classed as basic necessities.  

Living here in this poverty stricken country, I am constantly confronted with the haves and the have nots.     Not having totally sucks! Excuse the coarse language, but it´s true.  

Seeing those who are deprived of education, food and proper health is just overwhelming – but how do you eat an elephant? One mouthful at a time.  My daily prayer is that I will push my selfish desires to the side and do my utmost to share what I have with others – even if that means sharing my Cadbury´s.