POST by LIZ: The LOVE Shack!

Elizabeth with some of her boys

As I fumbled my way through my purse hunting for the $20 Radio Shack discount receipt, the cashier asked me typical questions we get when entering places with a mass of Nicaraguan lads in tow.

I explained why we were in the States and why we live in Nicaragua. 

“Wow!” he gasped, after my spill, and at that moment he ceased just being the professional Radio Shack cashier across the counter from me, and revealed his humanitarian heart.  “I really want to do something like that too – I want to make a difference – wow, I bet that must make you feel really good…” and he continued to lavish praise and admiration for the work that we do. 

His eyes were gentle and genuine, but the rest of his words were wasted on me.  I couldn’t get past his phrase ‘I bet that must make you feel really good…’ His words whirled around my head, I couldn’t shake them.

“Make me feel good!” if only he knew how it made me feel.  I wanted to tell him how it really made me feel.  The recent events flashed through my mind like a B rated horror movie from the sixties.

Situations flashing through my mind recalling all the rejecting statements, compulsive lies, and bad attitudes which had been thrown into our path, like ugly weeds growing in a rose bed.

Now to be fair, this particular day had been especially tough; I had started out the day dealing with tired teenagers wanting to get their own way - which of course clashed with my own agenda for them, and I was having a particularly tough season dealing with Yordy, who was slipping away into depression, Rene, who wanted to act like a porn star, and Beycker, who thought he was every girls’ dream come true. 

I wanted to scream out and release the pent up feelings I had harboured and allow those who had taken out their own hurts and rejections on me, to see that I was just human too. I wanted to pour out my bottled-up hurt from constantly being rejected, unloved and unappreciated. 

My captured feelings shocked me.  I didn’t realise that I held on to so much hurt.  Over the years, I had helped many people unlock their trapped hurts and had explained that hurt left untouched would morph into binding bitterness – yet here I was, standing on a polished floor with a beaming cashier believing in what we do, and seeing the mountain of bitterness I had allowed to build within.

Never-the-less, I snapped back into my reality, smiled at the kindhearted cashier man, and said, “Yep, it’s rewarding, but it sure is a rollercoaster ride at times,” 

We left the shop with shouts of well-wishing from all the staff, including the district manager, who was visiting the store and had also taken interest in our life.  The lads were high spirited, and left the shop in normal style; double twists and flips. Everyone whooping and cheering and laughing and totally unaware of the mountain I carried inside.

Later that night I checked my heart before the Lord.  “God, I didn’t realise I was so hurt and I can feel bitterness consuming me.  I want to ‘feel good about what I do’, but right now I just feel that no matter how much I pour myself out, I receive a stack load of rejection, fear and failure thrown in my face.”

“You know what your problem is, Liz?” God shot back at me. “You are doing things out of your own love for people.  Even Jesus didn’t do this!  You think Jesus died for you because he loves you – but this is not true!”

“WHAT?” I thought… “that goes against EVERYTHING I was raised with. ” 

“Well, read the scripture Liz, it doesn’t say, ‘for Jesus loved the world so much he gave his life,’ No! It says, ‘For God so loved the world that he gave his only son..’ you see Liz, Jesus died for you out of love and obedience for me! But YES, Jesus does love you – because of my love for you! And this is the way you need to operate too.  If you do things out of your own love for others then you will either only love those that are lovely, but Matthew says... where is the reward in that?! But if you love the unlovely out of your own love, then you will get burnt out, rejected, unloved, and unappreciated. 

Because those who are rejected will reject, those who are unloved will be unlovely, and those who don’t feel appreciated will be ungrateful.   But, if you do it only out of love and obedience for me, then you won’t even look for praise or acceptance from others.  If you do things out of love for me, then it doesn’t matter what the reaction is from the person, because you will only look to me to say ‘Well done good and faithful servant!  Then you will truly be living for an audience of one!  The best part is that your love for others will actually increase – Jesus does love you and did die for you because he sees you through my eyes.  This is how I want you to approach your ‘work’ for me. ”

So, I can’t say that I am fully there yet, but I can say that when I receive the rejecting words and actions, especially the ones so typical from teenagers, they don’t stab my heart like before, because I’m now doing things out of love and obedience for God.

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