POST by ANNA: Why Am I Here?

Anna & Francesca, doing what girls do best!!!

So, I never really viewed myself as a blogger because I really thought blogging required the writer to drink copious amounts of coffee, have hippie hair (which I guess I do), or be selling something. Except the Briens, their blogs are lovely. Did ya see what I did there? Anyways, I’m not saying I don’t like blogs, I just never really thought I would blog. But Facebook statuses are not cutting it for me. I have so much that I want to say about where I am and what I am doing so here begins a stream of lovely blogging.

Maybe, I will start from the beginning to give a better view of why I decided to come to Nicaragua in the first place. When I was younger, I always felt like I was meant to do something different than the typical American. I don’t think I am better than the rest of America, because I am, after all, American.

Anna "fits in" with the Capital Edge Crew

Growing up, I always tried to be as independent as I could and act as strong and as brave as possible. I prided myself in my success and hard work.  That’s not necessarily a bad thing to do, but for me it became a bit of an obsession and it made me proud, in a bad way.

Though I always wanted to do something adventurous and crazy, I chose to go to college to get my degree because that, of course, is the successful way of doing things. I loved and still love college and I dearly want to go back, but I know that right now, I am not supposed to be there.

Anna & Eliazer, our Latin Dance Coach

Last year, I had a great year of school, but I didn’t really feel like I grew in my relationship with God. There are so many pressures in school to either be super smart or the most fun kid at the party or the hottest babe on campus or the most blinged-out “jersey chaser” as we call it. The school is not to blame. No one person can take responsibility for the pressure. 

By nature, I am a people-pleaser. Even when I am being sassy, it’s because I want people to like me. I want to fit in every social group possible for who knows why.  Therefore, college was a place for me to exercise my lack of confidence. I didn’t get hugely into the party scene, and I honestly don’t think the party scene is that bad, but I just started to doubt my beliefs and question my reasons behind those beliefs.

Thinking about life in the grand scheme, I didn’t want mine to be a waste. I didn’t want to give up my integrity and my heart to whoever says the nicest thing to me at the party or bend over backwards to please whoever was the funniest person in Chi Alpha (campus ministry). I didn’t want to be a certain person at one place and a completely different person at another.

At Church in Barrio Loco

Over the summer, I let go of a lot of bitterness, guilt and frustration that I had pent up inside of me from the way things went my freshman year. I pretty much said to God that I was sick of being mad at Him for things that I chose for my life. Last year was so weird because I have never been a person who gets mad at God. But I just couldn’t understand why certain things were sins while others weren’t or why some people could just easily do whatever they liked and use the “Oh.. It is just college excuse,” because my conscience (the Holy Spirit) seemed to bark a big FAT “NOOO!!!” at me a vast majority of the time.

In time, I have realized that it’s a good thing to have the Holy Spirit persist. My good friend Hannah Day said something to me this last summer that began all of this. She said, “No matter how much I mess up, or how much people hurt me and bad things happen, I ALWAYS want to have a soft heart for God and for people.”

That phrase has constantly been with me since then. Even when I mess up and hurt others, or when others hurt me, God is still love. God is still there for me.

Anna is a blessing to Nicaragua... That´s been this hospitalised kid´s experience

This semester, I went into school with that attitude. I tried to be less selfish, more open to others and to God but fell into what I call “the self-esteem trap.”  I got caught up in wanting to make new friends and doing what they did, instead of loving and appreciating the friends that I had.

In that process, I was still “me” but just a crappy version of me. The worst part of all, was that I didn’t really care. Which is exactly what I wanted last year. But, my goodness, it was terrifying.

Then, one morning, I woke up and all my choices, my attitudes towards others and God, SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE. I honestly just woke up and cried because I knew that something had changed. God just totally covered me in that moment.

I texted Wendy (my step-mom) and simply asked her to think of me and pray. She called me within five minutes, and I told her everything that was going on. And I told her I knew that I needed to make a change. A BIG change.  I told her I needed to leave which is something I think about a lot, like most engineering (haha) college students.

This time it was different though, I wanted to leave because I knew that nothing would change if nothing changed. I was getting good grades, making new friends,  and doing well with my job. I wanted to leave because even though all this was awesome, I knew it was taking me to a place I didn’t want to be.

Success is awesome. It’s not something bad to pursue or something to be ashamed of, unless and until it becomes your main focus. For me, I got so wrapped up in what I wanted and what others wanted me to be that I couldn’t hear that voice anymore.

I am so thankful that Nicaragua and the Brien family was placed on my heart in the very moment that I knew something had to be done. Never in my whole life, have I had such clear instructions on what to do.

That same day, I withdrew from all of my classes (and possibly cried all day). But seriously, God gave me so much peace and so much confirmation that it was the right choice. A huge thanks to all of you who have always supported me and continue to. God is so real and He loves you enormously. AND I LOVE YOU TOO J hugs and kisses!

Anna

Anna & Yader (our  Latin Dance coach)